June 2026 – Shame from an Attachment-Oriented Perspective:
The second online intervision session focused on the topic of shame , introduced by Andrea Schwald, a psychotherapist in Bern, and was moderated by Martina Rufer and Lothar Steinke.
Shame rarely comes up on its own. Hardly any child, adolescent , or adult says, “I’m here because I feel ashamed.” And yet, it can be a great relief when shame is gently acknowledged —not in a way that exposes or shames, but as a possible underlying factor behind visible behavior.
Especially in schools, residential settings, or counseling, we often first look for aggression, withdrawal, denial, clowning around, or silence—even mutism. The intervision session helped us recognize that shame can also lie behind these behaviors : the feeling of being exposed, of not being good enough, or of losing one’s dignity.
One striking statement from the evening was: “Feeling ashamed is worse than dying.” Shame can feel existential—like a desire to sink into the ground or to no longer be seen. From the perspective of attachment theory, the distinction between guilt and shame is important: Guilt relates to behavior and can be resolved through behavioral repair. Shame undermines one’s self-image and sense of relational security and requires resolution through relationship-focused approaches. A purely behavior-oriented response can therefore intensify shame and trigger a back-and-forth cycle of attack, withdrawal, renewed shaming, and defense.
It also became clear that shame is not limited to the child. Parents, too, can be shamed—and their effectiveness undermined—by exclusion, poverty, speaking a foreign language, or a domineering institutional presence. The central question remained: How can we become more sensitive to shame without exacerbating it? Often, the next helpful step does not begin with the problem behavior, but with protecting dignity, a sense of belonging, and relationship security.